Tag: mourning

healing

Seashells and Snowflakes – Part 3

The Kedge Anchor

If you have been following this series, welcome back and thank you. In this season of grieving I am trying to understand how as a Christian I can be sad and joyful and I have also began to understand that there is purpose in our pain. In the previous two posts (Part 1, Part 2)I shared how I am processing mixed emotions in grief. How can I possible be sad and experience joy. I also shared what I am doing to stay close to God and some creative practices to help process, like writing this blog.

In the last post I left off with Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. He took the weight of the world, the weight of ALL our sins, past present and future. I believe that Jesus felt every kind of physical and emotional pain a human can feel that day. Jesus understands suffering, pain, persecution, temptations, He experienced it all, everything and everything His creation could feel.

This scene in The Chosen Season 3 episode 2, “Two By Two” Little James approaches Jesus and asks why he hasn’t been healed. Please watch this scene. The writers give a plausible explanation for why Jesus didn’t heal Little James and that explanation could be applied to us. It makes sense. Are we willing to still follow Jesus despite our infirmities?

So I thought some more about Jesus crucified on the cross. He could have healed Himself at any time. He could have come down from that cross like nothing happened, completely whole, healed. But He didn’t. His pain on the cross had a purpose. That purpose was to complete the plan of salvation. He had to endure the cross so that He could freely offer us salvation, eternal life. Our pain has purpose. God hears our prayers, He sees our pain but He has a plan and a purpose for us and sometimes that infirmity is part of it. God does heal, He heals everyone, we just may not see it this side of Heaven. We may not know what purpose our pain has here on earth. We certainly have a story to tell and that story could lead someone to Christ or give them Hope.

God loves us and wants nothing but the best for us, His children. He has a plan and a purpose for our lives and sometimes that means pain, physical or emotional. It’s hard to trust when we experience pain but when we do trust the result is beautiful. It helps for me to know that my story can help someone else; maybe that is A purpose.

John 16:33 – “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

ESV
healing

Seashells and Snowflakes – Part 2

The Kedge Anchor
Sea Shells on Sandy Snow
by Aluisius Sudiarto

In my last post, I shared shared how I feel mixed emotions when losing a loved one. How can I feel joyful and sad at the same time? How is that possible? In this post, I continue with how I process these emotions.

Routine and normalcy are something that I need to help move on, I think everyone does, but everyone is different. So I try to go back to my regularly scheduled programming. Although I must admit I feel like I am carrying a weight as go back business as usual. So to lessen that weight I find that doing something creative helps with the healing process.

Writing this post helped, a lot. Organizing my thoughts and emotions and getting them out on paper or computer screen was cathartic. Sharing my heart and allowing myself to vulnerable in a way helps. Though I must admit, doing this on social media is a bit scary.

So here’s what helps me and what I do; cleaning. Ok not so much a creative effort but I feel like at least something in my life is in order. Sometimes I get creative when organizing.

Painting, not a room, I like to watercolor and experiment with my art supplies. I like to create and make new things. Sometimes whatever I am going through will inspire a design or thought that I can communicate with an image or with my lettering. There is joy in creating..

Brush lettering, lettering in of itself is calming and relaxing for me, lettering a scripture verse helps keep God’s word in front of me. I can put scripture on just about anything, wallpaper for my phone, if you go back to November 2020 – December 2022, check out Memorize Mondays and you can download some wallpaper for your phone, free. Because how many times do you pick up your phone, right? God’s Word can be right there in your face. James 4:8 – “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you …” (kind of a little play on words 🙂 ) Put on some worship music or whatever kind of music you enjoy, maybe a podcast or a past message from your pastor and just doodle, draw, paint, knit, sew, bake, cook, take a nature walk and take pictures all you need is the camera on your phone, create something. Being creative is one way that helps me be in close proximity to God. (before you say, “I’m not creative” you are, you just need to uncover it.)

Reach out to others, if just to say “Hi” Sometimes I find when I do that that the person I’m reaching to… I made their day, that blesses me. More often than not the other person is having a bad day and needed some encouragement.

Exercise, it’s kinda cold out, not my favorite weather to go walking, but YouTube has tons of exercise videos and it helps boost the happy hormones. Jessica Valant Pilates has a great 10 minute walking video you can do indoors. Seriously it’s enough on a hard day for whatever reason and it helps motivate me to do more.

This is how I have been processing. It’s always uncomfortable and it hurts. Starting the healing process was hard because I wasn’t sure where to begin but with letting myself feel. The rest kind of fell into place when I sought God. For me that often looked like me sitting staring into space imagining Jesus sitting with me in silence because I had no words, other than recalling scripture or listening to a meditation on the Abide app.

In the last post I mentioned how Jesus may have felt resurrecting Lazarus. He may have felt some mixed emotions having to call Lazarus down from Heaven and having to die again one day. But Jesus was also doing something to for Mary and Martha that would make them happy. Perhaps our Father had some mixed emotions as well. God the Father mourned the day His only Son, died on the cross for our sin. Jesus took it all, He took the sin of the WORLD, past, present, and future of ALL our sin and the Father couldn’t even look at His Son with all our sin placed on Him. He had to look away. BUT, after Jesus was buried , He rose again three days later!!!! All so He could complete the plan of Salvation!! So that we could spend eternity with Him and all we have to do is acknowledge the fact we are sinners and need someone to save us and that someone is Jesus Christ. He is The Plan for our lives – John 14:6!

“Sorrow and the scarlet leaf, sad thoughts and sunny weather…” Thomas W. Parsons

Please stay tuned. After I thought about it some more I began to wonder why we have to experience pain, why in some case Jesus doesn’t heal and why He does in others. I may not have the definitive answer but perhaps it may explain some things.

healing, Uncategorized

Seashells and Snowflakes – Part 1

The Kedge Anchor

Grieving is hard, uncomfortable even more so when you’re not sure how to process. Any loss is a reason to grieve, a job, relocation, a home, a loved one, a break up can cause us to grieve. And many times we can experience mixed emotions. As one grieves the loss of a job one can also experience the anticipation and excitement of starting something new. Moving to a new home, we can grieve losing the one place we have, the only place know, but then there’s the excitement of a new beginning and new surroundings, meeting new people and making new friends. Loss is hard and losing someone you love is harder than anything.

My mom recently passed away. But this isn’t the first time I have experienced the vast array of mixed emotions, almost to the point I have felt psychotic. My dad passed away about 20 years ago (just a side note, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact my dad isn’t here) and I experienced the same mixed emotions and at that time, it was all new to me. I experienced the five stages of grieving, however, it was the sadness and the joy of knowing he was in Heaven that had me stumped. How can I possibly feel both? Like I said, this isn’t the first time I have experienced these mixed emotions, I am sure I had them, this was just the first time I identified them . It’s just that when losing someone, for me, these mixed emotions seem to be ever present and very clear and here I am again experiencing the same emotions trying to remember how I got through.

These emotions I found to be most in conflict when it came to socializing or doing something I enjoyed doing. I felt guilty for feeling like I could enjoy myself. How could I? I couldn’t share life or the fun I was having with my dad. I was getting stuck and it was hard to move forward. I came across part of poem in a journal I had and it summed up what I was feeling and I realized that I wasn’t the first to feel this way and it’s ok.

Two days after my sister called me to tell me that the doctor said she needed to go to the hospital, the sooner the better, I booked a flight home. By the time I got to mom, mom was kinda out of it. But her eyes did open wide when my sister told her I was there, and we got to be by her side for a few more days.
One morning getting ready to go somewhere, I don’t remember where, I dumped out a small bag of jewelry that I brought with me. My small gold scalloped seashells and silver snowflakes tumbled out and right there was a perfect image of what I was feeling; seashells and snowflakes were about as opposite of the sadness and joy I was feeling. Two very different seasons rolled into one. It is a very uncomfortable place to be. It hurts. At times I feel a little crazy and not sure what to feel or how to feel it, or process it. Come to find out, it’s ok. As uncomfortable as it is, it’s ok.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says “… to everything there is A season…” I was experiencing two at once. Those mixed emotions are exhausting to me. The whole grieving process of raw emotion is exhausting. But this is how I cope and manage so that I can go on.

I feel the all the feels. Sad, happy, anger, and all the shades of emotions in between, I let myself feel. Cry if I have to, reach out if I have to, pray, sing, rejoice, reminisce, read scripture.

I thank God for giving me my mom and dad, the life they provided for me and my sister. I thank God for my mom leading us to Jesus, His plan of salvation and the promise of Heaven, because if it wasn’t for my mom, my family, I don’t know where I’d be today.

I think about the good times we all had together at holidays, my sister our aunts and uncles close friends, and all our cousins by the dozens.

I know that my mom and dad would want me, want us, to keep going. It’s ok that I take my time to mourn and grieve but I need to move on and live life again, it’s just going to be a little different, take some time and that’s ok too.

I recall the outpouring of love and sympathy from friends and family, their support and prayers. My husband has been a huge support to me and my sister. I don’t think he knows how much just being there helps. We have several church families that have supported us through an outpouring of prayer, texts, emails, flowers and cards. Those have been such and encouragement.

I imagine how Jesus must have felt resurrecting Lazarus. Jesus wept, John 11:35. Though the Bible doesn’t say specifically why He wept, Jesus performed a miracle for Larzarus’ sisters, by resurrecting him from the grave. Jesus may have been happy for Mary and Martha and for all three of them to be with each other again but sad that Lazarus would not just leave Heaven but die again. I don’t know. And I have more to share about how God felt when He sacrificed His only Son.

Please stay tuned, I will share more as I process. This is a lot and I hope my story can be someone’s hope.

If you have any questions or comments please comment below.