Tag: processing

Grieving is hard, uncomfortable even more so when you’re not sure how to process. Any loss is a reason to grieve, a job, relocation, a home, a loved one, a break up can cause us to grieve. And many times we can experience mixed emotions. As one grieves the loss of a job one can also experience the anticipation and excitement of starting something new. Moving to a new home, we can grieve losing the one place we have, the only place know, but then there’s the excitement of a new beginning and new surroundings, meeting new people and making new friends. Loss is hard and losing someone you love is harder than anything.

My mom recently passed away. But this isn’t the first time I have experienced the vast array of mixed emotions, almost to the point I have felt psychotic. My dad passed away about 20 years ago (just a side note, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact my dad isn’t here) and I experienced the same mixed emotions and at that time, it was all new to me. I experienced the five stages of grieving, however, it was the sadness and the joy of knowing he was in Heaven that had me stumped. How can I possibly feel both? Like I said, this isn’t the first time I have experienced these mixed emotions, I am sure I had them, this was just the first time I identified them . It’s just that when losing someone, for me, these mixed emotions seem to be ever present and very clear and here I am again experiencing the same emotions trying to remember how I got through.

These emotions I found to be most in conflict when it came to socializing or doing something I enjoyed doing. I felt guilty for feeling like I could enjoy myself. How could I? I couldn’t share life or the fun I was having with my dad. I was getting stuck and it was hard to move forward. I came across part of poem in a journal I had and it summed up what I was feeling and I realized that I wasn’t the first to feel this way and it’s ok.

Two days after my sister called me to tell me that the doctor said she needed to go to the hospital, the sooner the better, I booked a flight home. By the time I got to mom, mom was kinda out of it. But her eyes did open wide when my sister told her I was there, and we got to be by her side for a few more days.
One morning getting ready to go somewhere, I don’t remember where, I dumped out a small bag of jewelry that I brought with me. My small gold scalloped seashells and silver snowflakes tumbled out and right there was a perfect image of what I was feeling; seashells and snowflakes were about as opposite of the sadness and joy I was feeling. Two very different seasons rolled into one. It is a very uncomfortable place to be. It hurts. At times I feel a little crazy and not sure what to feel or how to feel it, or process it. Come to find out, it’s ok. As uncomfortable as it is, it’s ok.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says “… to everything there is A season…” I was experiencing two at once. Those mixed emotions are exhausting to me. The whole grieving process of raw emotion is exhausting. But this is how I cope and manage so that I can go on.

I feel the all the feels. Sad, happy, anger, and all the shades of emotions in between, I let myself feel. Cry if I have to, reach out if I have to, pray, sing, rejoice, reminisce, read scripture.

I thank God for giving me my mom and dad, the life they provided for me and my sister. I thank God for my mom leading us to Jesus, His plan of salvation and the promise of Heaven, because if it wasn’t for my mom, my family, I don’t know where I’d be today.

I think about the good times we all had together at holidays, my sister our aunts and uncles close friends, and all our cousins by the dozens.

I know that my mom and dad would want me, want us, to keep going. It’s ok that I take my time to mourn and grieve but I need to move on and live life again, it’s just going to be a little different, take some time and that’s ok too.

I recall the outpouring of love and sympathy from friends and family, their support and prayers. My husband has been a huge support to me and my sister. I don’t think he knows how much just being there helps. We have several church families that have supported us through an outpouring of prayer, texts, emails, flowers and cards. Those have been such and encouragement.

I imagine how Jesus must have felt resurrecting Lazarus. Jesus wept, John 11:35. Though the Bible doesn’t say specifically why He wept, Jesus performed a miracle for Larzarus’ sisters, by resurrecting him from the grave. Jesus may have been happy for Mary and Martha and for all three of them to be with each other again but sad that Lazarus would not just leave Heaven but die again. I don’t know. And I have more to share about how God felt when He sacrificed His only Son.

Please stay tuned, I will share more as I process. This is a lot and I hope my story can be someone’s hope.

If you have any questions or comments please comment below.