If you have been following this series, welcome back and thank you. In this season of grieving I am trying to understand how as a Christian I can be sad and joyful and I have also began to understand that there is purpose in our pain. In the previous two posts (Part 1, Part 2)I shared how I am processing mixed emotions in grief. How can I possible be sad and experience joy. I also shared what I am doing to stay close to God and some creative practices to help process, like writing this blog.
In the last post I left off with Jesus dying on the cross for our sins. He took the weight of the world, the weight of ALL our sins, past present and future. I believe that Jesus felt every kind of physical and emotional pain a human can feel that day. Jesus understands suffering, pain, persecution, temptations, He experienced it all, everything and everything His creation could feel.
This scene in The Chosen Season 3 episode 2, “Two By Two” Little James approaches Jesus and asks why he hasn’t been healed. Please watch this scene. The writers give a plausible explanation for why Jesus didn’t heal Little James and that explanation could be applied to us. It makes sense. Are we willing to still follow Jesus despite our infirmities?
So I thought some more about Jesus crucified on the cross. He could have healed Himself at any time. He could have come down from that cross like nothing happened, completely whole, healed. But He didn’t. His pain on the cross had a purpose. That purpose was to complete the plan of salvation. He had to endure the cross so that He could freely offer us salvation, eternal life. Our pain has purpose. God hears our prayers, He sees our pain but He has a plan and a purpose for us and sometimes that infirmity is part of it. God does heal, He heals everyone, we just may not see it this side of Heaven. We may not know what purpose our pain has here on earth. We certainly have a story to tell and that story could lead someone to Christ or give them Hope.
God loves us and wants nothing but the best for us, His children. He has a plan and a purpose for our lives and sometimes that means pain, physical or emotional. It’s hard to trust when we experience pain but when we do trust the result is beautiful. It helps for me to know that my story can help someone else; maybe that is A purpose.
John 16:33 – “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”
In my last post, I shared shared how I feel mixed emotions when losing a loved one. How can I feel joyful and sad at the same time? How is that possible? In this post, I continue with how I process these emotions.
Routine and normalcy are something that I need to help move on, I think everyone does, but everyone is different. So I try to go back to my regularly scheduled programming. Although I must admit I feel like I am carrying a weight as go back business as usual. So to lessen that weight I find that doing something creative helps with the healing process.
Writing this post helped, a lot. Organizing my thoughts and emotions and getting them out on paper or computer screen was cathartic. Sharing my heart and allowing myself to vulnerable in a way helps. Though I must admit, doing this on social media is a bit scary.
So here’s what helps me and what I do; cleaning. Ok not so much a creative effort but I feel like at least something in my life is in order. Sometimes I get creative when organizing.
Painting, not a room, I like to watercolor and experiment with my art supplies. I like to create and make new things. Sometimes whatever I am going through will inspire a design or thought that I can communicate with an image or with my lettering. There is joy in creating..
Brush lettering, lettering in of itself is calming and relaxing for me, lettering a scripture verse helps keep God’s word in front of me. I can put scripture on just about anything, wallpaper for my phone, if you go back to November 2020 – December 2022, check out Memorize Mondays and you can download some wallpaper for your phone, free. Because how many times do you pick up your phone, right? God’s Word can be right there in your face. James 4:8 – “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you …” (kind of a little play on words 🙂 ) Put on some worship music or whatever kind of music you enjoy, maybe a podcast or a past message from your pastor and just doodle, draw, paint, knit, sew, bake, cook, take a nature walk and take pictures all you need is the camera on your phone, create something. Being creative is one way that helps me be in close proximity to God. (before you say, “I’m not creative” you are, you just need to uncover it.)
Reach out to others, if just to say “Hi” Sometimes I find when I do that that the person I’m reaching to… I made their day, that blesses me. More often than not the other person is having a bad day and needed some encouragement.
Exercise, it’s kinda cold out, not my favorite weather to go walking, but YouTube has tons of exercise videos and it helps boost the happy hormones. Jessica Valant Pilates has a great 10 minute walking video you can do indoors. Seriously it’s enough on a hard day for whatever reason and it helps motivate me to do more.
This is how I have been processing. It’s always uncomfortable and it hurts. Starting the healing process was hard because I wasn’t sure where to begin but with letting myself feel. The rest kind of fell into place when I sought God. For me that often looked like me sitting staring into space imagining Jesus sitting with me in silence because I had no words, other than recalling scripture or listening to a meditation on the Abide app.
In the last post I mentioned how Jesus may have felt resurrecting Lazarus. He may have felt some mixed emotions having to call Lazarus down from Heaven and having to die again one day. But Jesus was also doing something to for Mary and Martha that would make them happy. Perhaps our Father had some mixed emotions as well. God the Father mourned the day His only Son, died on the cross for our sin. Jesus took it all, He took the sin of the WORLD, past, present, and future of ALL our sin and the Father couldn’t even look at His Son with all our sin placed on Him. He had to look away. BUT, after Jesus was buried , He rose again three days later!!!! All so He could complete the plan of Salvation!! So that we could spend eternity with Him and all we have to do is acknowledge the fact we are sinners and need someone to save us and that someone is Jesus Christ. He is The Plan for our lives – John 14:6!
“Sorrow and the scarlet leaf, sad thoughts and sunny weather…” Thomas W. Parsons
Please stay tuned. After I thought about it some more I began to wonder why we have to experience pain, why in some case Jesus doesn’t heal and why He does in others. I may not have the definitive answer but perhaps it may explain some things.
Grieving is hard, uncomfortable even more so when you’re not sure how to process. Any loss is a reason to grieve, a job, relocation, a home, a loved one, a break up can cause us to grieve. And many times we can experience mixed emotions. As one grieves the loss of a job one can also experience the anticipation and excitement of starting something new. Moving to a new home, we can grieve losing the one place we have, the only place know, but then there’s the excitement of a new beginning and new surroundings, meeting new people and making new friends. Loss is hard and losing someone you love is harder than anything.
My mom recently passed away. But this isn’t the first time I have experienced the vast array of mixed emotions, almost to the point I have felt psychotic. My dad passed away about 20 years ago (just a side note, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact my dad isn’t here) and I experienced the same mixed emotions and at that time, it was all new to me. I experienced the five stages of grieving, however, it was the sadness and the joy of knowing he was in Heaven that had me stumped. How can I possibly feel both? Like I said, this isn’t the first time I have experienced these mixed emotions, I am sure I had them, this was just the first time I identified them . It’s just that when losing someone, for me, these mixed emotions seem to be ever present and very clear and here I am again experiencing the same emotions trying to remember how I got through.
These emotions I found to be most in conflict when it came to socializing or doing something I enjoyed doing. I felt guilty for feeling like I could enjoy myself. How could I? I couldn’t share life or the fun I was having with my dad. I was getting stuck and it was hard to move forward. I came across part of poem in a journal I had and it summed up what I was feeling and I realized that I wasn’t the first to feel this way and it’s ok.
Two days after my sister called me to tell me that the doctor said she needed to go to the hospital, the sooner the better, I booked a flight home. By the time I got to mom, mom was kinda out of it. But her eyes did open wide when my sister told her I was there, and we got to be by her side for a few more days. One morning getting ready to go somewhere, I don’t remember where, I dumped out a small bag of jewelry that I brought with me. My small gold scalloped seashells and silver snowflakes tumbled out and right there was a perfect image of what I was feeling; seashells and snowflakes were about as opposite of the sadness and joy I was feeling. Two very different seasons rolled into one. It is a very uncomfortable place to be. It hurts. At times I feel a little crazy and not sure what to feel or how to feel it, or process it. Come to find out, it’s ok. As uncomfortable as it is, it’s ok.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says “… to everything there is A season…” I was experiencing two at once. Those mixed emotions are exhausting to me. The whole grieving process of raw emotion is exhausting. But this is how I cope and manage so that I can go on.
I feel the all the feels. Sad, happy, anger, and all the shades of emotions in between, I let myself feel. Cry if I have to, reach out if I have to, pray, sing, rejoice, reminisce, read scripture.
I thank God for giving me my mom and dad, the life they provided for me and my sister. I thank God for my mom leading us to Jesus, His plan of salvation and the promise of Heaven, because if it wasn’t for my mom, my family, I don’t know where I’d be today.
I think about the good times we all had together at holidays, my sister our aunts and uncles close friends, and all our cousins by the dozens.
I know that my mom and dad would want me, want us, to keep going. It’s ok that I take my time to mourn and grieve but I need to move on and live life again, it’s just going to be a little different, take some time and that’s ok too.
I recall the outpouring of love and sympathy from friends and family, their support and prayers. My husband has been a huge support to me and my sister. I don’t think he knows how much just being there helps. We have several church families that have supported us through an outpouring of prayer, texts, emails, flowers and cards. Those have been such and encouragement.
I imagine how Jesus must have felt resurrecting Lazarus. Jesus wept, John 11:35. Though the Bible doesn’t say specifically why He wept, Jesus performed a miracle for Larzarus’ sisters, by resurrecting him from the grave. Jesus may have been happy for Mary and Martha and for all three of them to be with each other again but sad that Lazarus would not just leave Heaven but die again. I don’t know. And I have more to share about how God felt when He sacrificed His only Son.
Please stay tuned, I will share more as I process. This is a lot and I hope my story can be someone’s hope.
If you have any questions or comments please comment below.
A few weeks back, we started the 30 Day Gratitude challenge in the book, The Grumbler’s Guide to Giving Thanks, where everyday we recorded five things for which we were grateful. I shocked myself that I consistent for 30 days. I still account for that which I am grateful but I’ll be honest I forget to write them down. But, that’s ok, God hears my prayers.
I am still reading this book. I am not finished. I am journaling what read and taking my time. I want this to stick. So often I read a book, and say “Oh that was a great book” and three days later I can’t remember a thing (insert eye roll). Another reason why I am still reading the book is I got hung up on a verse; James 1:17. Currently I am only studying the first half of this verse, “Every good gift and every perfect gift…” I was always taught to understand a verse, reading the surrounding verses will help.
The verse is sandwiched between verses of trials and temptations, it looks like this in my NKJV Study Bible:
Loving God Under Trials
12Blessed is the man who endures temptation; for when he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him. 13Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am tempted by God”; for God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does He Himself tempt anyone. 14But each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. 15Then, when desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, brings forth death.
16Do not be deceived, my beloved brethren. 17Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning. 18Of His own will He brought us forth by the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of His creatures.
Qualities Needed in Trials
19[c]So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; 20for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God. (The Bible Hub).
I began to wonder about these gifts. When I hear the word gift, I think pretty package, “brown paper packages tied up with string,” something pleasant, something that brings joy. So I investigated. EVERY – Greek word – πᾶσα – pasa, All, the whole, every kind of. Including all the forms of declension; apparently a primary word; all, any, every, the whole. Hmm declension made me wonder more.
Forms of declension? Trials as gifts? hmm.
GOOD – Greek – δόσις dosis -A giving, gift, donation. From the base of didomi; a giving; by implication, a gift. to give (in various senseslit. or fig.)
PERFECT – Greek – τέλειον – teleion –From telos; complete; neuter completeness. Perfect here is not defined as blemish free or without flaw. Perfect is defined as COMPLETE. Teleion, from telos, Strong’s Greek: 5046. τέλειος (teleios). There was another word that came to my mind, maybe you’re thinking the same one. Τετέλεσται -Tetelesta Strong’s 5055: (a) I end, finish, (b) I fulfill, accomplish, (c) I pay. From telos; to end, i.e. Complete, execute, conclude, discharge.
“”IT IS FINISHED! ” John 19:30
The KJV New Testament Greek Lexicon
Strong’s Number: 5046 Browse Lexicon Original WordWord Origint evleioßfrom (5056) Transliterated Word TDNT Entry Teleios 8:67,1161 Phonetic SpellingParts of Speechtel’-i-osAdjective
Definitionbrought to its end, finished wanting nothing necessary to completenessperfect that which is perfect consummate human integrity and virtue of men full grown, adult, of full age, mature
Gift – Greek – δώρημα – dōrēma -A gift, bounty. From doreomai; a bestowment
I found these definitions for telosan ultimate end (Merriam Webster) and I like how Wordnick describes it the end of a goal oriented process. Wasn’t Jesus’ death on the cross a goal oriented process? He was the perfect sacrifice. Perfect in the sense He was without blemish, without sin, flawless and it was perfect in the sense His work on the cross is complete. His coming to earth born as a baby, fully human and fully God was the beginning of the Gospel. The gift of salvation was given to us when Jesus was born. Salvation for us was completed when Jesus died on the cross and rose again three days later. Jesus had one goal to complete, to pay the penalty of sin for us.
That’s probably why James nestled this verse in these verses of trials and temptations. We are going to be tempted and we at times may give (ok most likely) into temptation and sin. We will face trails and we likely fail. I know I will fail, we will fail if I, if we aren’t seeking God’s help in the midst of these trials and temptations. And there is nothing we can do to complete our salvation, there is nothing we can add to it. “nothing necessary to completeness.” What a gift!!!
And are we looking at trials as gifts? (ok I’ll save that for next week’s post because I do have some verses on that and this post is already long).
Ok so I am no Bible scholar. I may be waaay off in interpreting this. My head was spinning with all the information I was coming across and trying to organize it in my head, it was a lot to wrap my head around. I didn’t find any commentary that spoke to this, so if there are any scholars out there or if anyone has any constructive comments, please comment. I maybe missing something or not following something correctly. And right now it makes sense to me. So any insight, thoughts would be great.
Memorize Monday, free coloring page – Ephesians 2:8-9 – ‘For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”
Salvation isn’t by luck or chance, it is a gift from God to everyone. It is a free gift, we do nothing to earn it, we just need to accept it, receive it. God doesn’t force it on us, He gives us a choice, we are free to choose it or accept it.
Sometimes it seems like our prayers aren’t enough. But most times that’s all we can do. It’s hard to process all that is happening over in Ukraine, in our world. I feel for those families that are there living through this, it’s scary. I feel for those who have lost lost loved ones, I feel for our troops and their families. My heart goes out to all of them and this mere social media post… what can it do?
In the millions of posts, stories, and articles flooding news feeds asking for prayers for Ukraine I hope that this small post will bring hope. Because there is Hope. Jesus is our only Hope. That alone brings me encouragement. God knew long before the foundations of the very universe He created what would happen. This is no surprise to God. Hebrews 4:13 – “Neither is there any creature that is not manifest in his sight: but all things are naked and opened unto the eyes of him with whom we have to do.” (KJV). In the later part of this verse the NIV says “…Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.”
Proverbs 11:21 “Be sure of this: The wicked will not go unpunished, but those who are righteous will go free.” (NIV).
God sees all, nothing goes unnoticed, He noticed everyone of us being formed in our mother’s womb – Psalm 139:16. He sees EVERYTHING and we all we give an account one day to the choices we make today. We can choose heaven or hell. Our leaders and world leaders will all be held accountable for their choices and actions, no one is exempt from this.
But God loved us so much to save us from His wrath He provided a way out for us. He sacrificed His only Son to pay the penalty of our sin. Jesus willingly sacrificed His life for us. And it’s through a simple prayer, inviting Jesus into your heart and choosing to follow Him, will save you from His judgement and wrath. See God doesn’t choose to send people to hell. People choose to reject Him and choose hell. Harsh words? Maybe. But it’s the truth. But God also gives us grace. Mercy is not getting what you deserve; grace is getting what you don’t deserve. And He gives us the Hope in in Son Jesus Christ that one day, this old earth will pass away and there will be a new heaven and new earth – Revelation 21:1
Jesus is alive today, He conquered the grave! He is our only Hope this we have in this world and it’s our choice. You can believe or reject it. God gave us a free will.
Pray. No matter how small or short the prayer is, God sees your heart. Nothing goes unnoticed.
“… You stepped down into darkness … ” You may recognize the lyrics from Randy Travis’ song “Here I Am to Worship.” Typically one may not consider this a Christmas song but the lyrics kind of well, at least for me make me think Jesus’ birth. And without His birth we don’t have His death and resurrection and without either of those we don’t have His salvation.
Jesus is the life, the truth and the way. He is also the Light of this world. I find it interesting that Jesus was born during the night. Nights are, well, usually dark and I imagine that during His time when there was no moon … It. Was. Dark. Have you ever been somewhere at night where there are no street lights, there was no moon, and the stars were hidden behind clouds? Maybe you were driving in the mountains or a remote road where civilization is miles away and no headlights or flashlight was bright enough. It. Is. Dark.
The world is still dark today just as it was in Jesus’ day. He stepped down into darkness from Heaven. He left His Father and Heaven in all it’s glory and beauty to walk among His people, HIs creation in this dark world. He arrived in this world at night as a baby and as the Light.
For me the star was symbolic of Jesus’ light figuratively and spiritually. Most scholars agree that the light from the star was so bright it was almost like daylight (just a side note, I know that star has many theories as to if it was an actual star or planets aligning, that’s another post). The point is what miraculous event would it have been if Jesus was born during the day?
The angels coming down from the heavens telling the shepherds of Jesus’ birth must have shown so brightly in those dark fields that night. Like someone turning the lights on in the middle of the night, it hurts. Sometimes it hurts when God illuminates the darkness in our own hearts and sometimes we run away and don’t want to deal with it. But the shepherds ran to see Jesus and to worship Him. The wisemen saw that star the night Jesus was born and followed it for what may have been months, some say it was two years. And when they reached Jesus, they bowed down and worshiped.
Jesus the light of the world, came down in literal darkness and HIs birth lit up the sky. His coming to this world was to also light up the darkness of people’s hearts. If you are a believer allow Jesus to come into the dark corners of you heart. If you want Jesus to show you the light read the book of John and ask God to show you His Light.
Jesus stepped down into darkness so we wouldn’t have to. Let’s not wait for Christmas to worship and bow down to the One who saves us from our sin and bridges the gap to all of eternity in His eternal Light.
Light of the worldYou stepped down into darkness Open my eyes, let me see Beauty that made this heart adore You Hope of a life spent with You
Here I am to worship Here I am to bow down Here I am to say that you’re my God You’re altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether wonderful to me
King of all days, oh so highly exalted Glorious in Heaven above Humbly You came to the earth You created all for love’s sake became poor
I’ll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross I’ll never know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross
Happy Monday! Here is today’s Memorize Monday free coloring page. Luke 2:10, “But the angel said to them, ‘Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.'”
Salvation for the world has arrived!! As we prepare for Christmas, take time to ponder the birth of Christ. Imagine what it was like for the shepherds. What if you were there. Would you be startled, afraid? Would you run away? Would you feel threatened or in awesome wonder?
These shepherds ran, but they ran to see baby Jesus in a manger and as they went, they passed the word along the way for others to come and see. When they arrived can you imagine? What did they see? I imagine these shepherds were Jewish and they had read the scriptures. Since the birth of Jesus was prophesied in Isaiah 9:6 “Unto us a child is born;” his prophetic promise of a “special child who would bring light into a darkened world and be the prince of peace provides comfort to readers of all generations.” Even still, not expecting this wondrous announcement, they most likely were a little scared, it probably took them a few minutes to recall what they had known.
Take some time today to reflect what it may have been like herding sheep in the thick of the night and angels appearing in the sky to tell you that the Messiah has come, Salvation is here.
The Kedge Anchor 
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